Unknown Realm
by lunastar77
Summary: Allen walker is having a hard time and is expressing it in journal entries [Edited] (i do not own any D. Gray-man)
1. Chapter 1

Journal Entry  
August 10th 12 AM

It was a dark and stormy night as I walk into the realm of the unknown. As my fears magnify my hope diminishes until I glance up and see a soft light calling me forward leading me towards the exit of my own mind. Leaving behind the fears, the confusion and the pain of the unknown. Everyday I struggle to feel the happiness, the love and the comfort instead of the loneliness and pain of my life. Everyday I put on a smile just to show that I am ok. Everyday I laugh and joke with those who call themselves a friend. If they were truly a friend. They would know that I am suffering and hurting behind the mask and fake smiles. I wear daily, but alas they have no clue. Will I ever feel normal again? Will I ever have friends who truly accept me for me? Even though I am called a freak for my strange appearance, or the way I think. God knows I tried to appear how people wanted, or act a certain way so I wouldn't embarrass them. But no matter how hard I tried it couldn't be. Because that wasn't the real me. But who is the real me I wonder? Will I ever find out? Or am I destine to wander thru that unknown realm I call my mind. Night after night, day after day forever.

Allen Walker

Journal Entry

August 15th 12 AM

I had the same dream again tonight. About being in the darkness, but this time the light wasn't around to pull me back. Instead I kept seeing flashes of my past that's been haunting me. All the horrible things that has happened to me just magnified. I am so scared and I feel as if my mind is not my own anymore. I keep hearing voices telling me to do things that I don't want to do over and over again. It scares me because, I don't know how much longer I can ignore them. Why wont the voices quit I tell them to shut up, but it just seems to get worse. I tell them that they aren't real but the voices just get louder, as if to prove that they are. I try and cover my ears with my pillow. Hoping that it would help to quiet them, but it doesn't work. I start singing hoping that it would drown them out, but that doesn't work either. I want them to stop, I need them to stop but still they murmur on. I cover my ears and scream, Someone please help me! please make them stop I can't handle it anymore. I am drowning in the darkness I am losing myself into the unknown realm of my mind. Please somebody pull me out before its to late, before I lose myself entirely please somebody, anybody…HELP!

Allen Walker

Journal Entry

August 19th 12AM

It's been about three days since I slept. God my body's tired but my mind just wont let me sleep. For the fear of what I could do while I am unconscious. I am afraid, the voices still haven't stopped. I keep myself locked in my room so that I wont hurt anybody. I don't want to hurt anyone please just leave me alone….please, I just cant hurt anyone again not again please…. I just cant or I just might loose my sanity…. That is unless I already lost it. Because every time I look in the mirror, I see a shadow engulfing me little by little inch by inch till I no longer exist. Why is this happening to me? is it my punishment for killing Mana? Is it part of the curse that he burdened me with? Why I ask the heavens why must I be tortured so? I became an exorcist to atone for my sins. So why am I being punished…WHY? I scream but alas no one answers except for the voices only the voices. Murmuring your God has forsaking you, you are nothing but a monster, no one can love you, no one cares for you, you are ultimately alone. You were born alone and you will die alone they laugh. As tears streak down my pale face, I wonder if the voices are right? should I end my life to save everybody before the monster truly reveals itself. Before I am not strong enough to fight it off. I wonder….should I?

Allen Walker


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

August 21st 12AM

**Journal Entry**

Today Lenalee came knocking at my door. Asking if I was OK I lied to her and said I wasn't feeling well, but that I would be fine and not to worry. Shortly after that Lavi tried to get me to open the door but I told him I didn't want to get him sick and that I would be fine and not to worry. Even the Bakanda tried to get me out of my room. But alas it didn't work. I AM FINE ! I yelled. Che whatever Bakanda said as he stormed away. Even though I am not fine, if anything its worse. The voices continue to scream you're a monster, god doesn't love you, no one can love you, you are a mistake and never should have been born, your parent didn't love you. They threw you away like yesterdays trash. Mana didn't love you, he only loved the Noah inside you. The voices taunt. Lenalee feels sorry for you, she pities you. Lavi only talks to you because your nothing but history to a bookman they sneer. Bakanda is right they laugh you are nothing but a shell, Allen Walker doesn't exist. The voices scream your nothing but wasted space. They repeat over and over again. SHUT UP! I yell, YOUR WRONG, I AM ALLEN WALKER ! I cry I am Allen Walker I repeat to the voices over and over again until my own voice is horse, Till my throat aches, till my throat bleeds from yelling to be heard in my mind. I am Allen Walker I whisper with ever cut I inflict just to feel the pain so i know its me. As well as to show the voices it is me, not wasted space, not an empty shell, not the nothing they think I am, Not trash, not a Noah. I am Allen walker I whisper as everything goes dark…

** Journal Entry**

August 22nd 12AM

Today we found Allen Walker dead and on the floor next to him we found I AM ALLEN WALKER! In his own blood. As if trying to make a statement to someone. No one at the order knew what Allen was going thru. Because we didn't look close enough. we didn't see all the hurt that was in those silver eyes of his. We didn't see the self-consciousness in the way he hid his marks. We didn't hear the loneliness in his laugh. We didn't see the sadness in his smile. We didn't see the real Allen Walker. All we saw was the exorcist, the destroyer of time, and later the Noah.

Lenalee blames herself for not noticing that Allen needed help. Allen was her friend but yet she couldn't tell that his smiles weren't real, if only she looked closer than maybe she could have helped…

Lavi also blames himself for Allen's death. If he spent more time with his little buddy then maybe he could of helped Allen. If he is truly a bookman then he should have noticed that Allen was putting on an act and that he wasn't fine. If only he looked closer then maybe Allen would still be alive…

Kanda also blames himself for the sprouts death. Maybe just maybe if he didn't give Allen such a hard time and told everyone that the sprouts smiles were sad, that his eyes held hurt that his laugh was lonely. Then maybe he could have gotten the help he needed. Maybe if he told them to look closer at Allen then he might have been alive today…

If only we looked closer then Allen may be alive today.

******Bookman*******


End file.
